We couldn’t afford to heat the whole apartment,
Instead we used a tiny space heater purchased from the corner store down the lane.
Every night I’d turn it off and curl up next to her under our pile of second hand blankets.
Every morning her delicate feet would pad across the cold floor and turn it on,
so that by the time I got up our closet sized room would be filled with a blissful warmth, enveloping me in her love.

Two cups worth of coffee gargled into the coffee pot every morning.
And every night something exotic sizzled on the stove while I sat in happy silence watching her spin and dance around our kitchen, pausing every once in a while to stir our meal.

She kept my world turning until one afternoon I stumbled in from a run and over a colorful, well worn carpet bag stuffed with the eccentric contents of her wardrobe.
I could tell her free spirit had been bursting out of her, at times I was afraid it would shatter our sole window and spill over into the alley below.
She wanted adventures through cloud forests and to wander the Great Wall, to experience things that our life together would never permit her to.
I stood in painful understanding as she skipped to the door, scooping her bag into her porcelain hands.
I’ll be back she said, but her swimming green eyes said differently.
I leaned in for a kiss that tasted like good bye and watched her float out the front door.

She’s not back yet and loneliness is a cold bedroom, a single cup coffee maker, and a freezer full of tv dinners.

I miss you. 

I’ve been longing for a sort of free, crazy life since early high school when the shell I was trapped in seemed to be made of concrete that refused to crack. I imagined what it would be like to have crazy antics and stories to tell after all nighters and too much alcohol. I never acted on that desire until that lifestyle fell right into my lap four months ago. I met these guys who led this crazy life that should probably be written down, cause no one would believe it otherwise. I got sucked in. I met a guy who I was more drawn to than any guy I have ever met in my life. I swore I wouldn’t let them change me. I did. 

I have this problem where I see both the good and the bad in people, yet I only judge them based on the good. That’s what I did with Cody. He was charming, and tall, and blue-eyed, and when we would talk, just him and me…everything worked. I kissed him on a couch. A bed. A trampoline. A bathroom floor. I gave him my virginity on an air mattress. He doesn’t know. No it didn’t hurt, it didn’t feel like anything actually. I asked for forgiveness because I know it is wrong in God’s eyes, but I don’t regret it. I’ve watched boys manipulate girls and I know that’s partially what he did to me. But some of it was true, I’ve just realized that that 23 year old man is way too much of a confused, hurt little boy inside to even deal with what he feels right now. I met another boy, Ryan, I’ve only seen him twice and I don’t know if I will again. We climbed rocks and kissed, I like him, and I’m moving on from Cody. He has made me cry three times now, I never cry, and I’m done.

When you start having sex getting your period is like a glorious gift from God. Especially when your partner is a man who can’t even remember to pay his phone bill, his only bill. Find your voice. One hundred dollars spent on Plan B and all of the stress and anxiety that comes with it isn’t worth it. Become friends with guys, good friends. They will protect you and care for you like their little sister. But be careful which ones you let into your heart. At this point in time, it is true, most only want sex. I’ve learned that from watching my friends talk to girls. They will say anything to get what they want and they know exactly how to say it. If you lie and make yourself seem like a certain type of person just to fit in, you will eventually become that person. Sometimes you’ll be glad that you’ve changed and sometimes…not.

There comes a point in life when you will lose yourself. I have tried pot, cigarettes, and been completely black out drunk. I have woken up hating myself because I have absolutely no direction. I’ve gone over a week without going home, sleeping next to Cody every night. And as I sit here, tearing at my skin because through all of this I somehow developed eczema, I find myself wishing that I could go back to being the quiet girl who read and loved horses. Wishing I could go back to that stage of innocence, but it’s gone, I pushed it away.

Alas, that’s only a wish brought on by exhaustion and too much time spent alone with only a sleeping coonhound to keep me company. Because through losing myself, I’ve found myself. I think I’m beautiful. I can stand up for myself. I no longer feel trapped. I am independent and I’ve broken through all of these limitations I’ve set on myself; through things I said I would never do. They’re gone, and I feel free. Free to go get whatever it is that I deserve. Because I know what that is now and I have the confidence and knowledge to go get it.

And yet…a part of me still questions if the quest to lead a less boring and inexperienced life was one I should have ever embarked on. But I think I needed to do this so I wouldn’t be so scared for whatever good things are ahead of me now. There is no way I could have stayed where I was, and I couldn’t see any other way out. 

So instead of a short, cliche facebook status about being thankful on Thanksgiving I feel a huge need to write a long, cliche tumblr post about what I’m thankful for not only on Thanksgiving, but always. And I’m listening to T-Pain. T-Pain…Thanksgiving Day…Turkey Day…T-Day…T-Pain. Yeah, yeah? I dunno. Haha.

Anyway!

I’m thankful for my friends. 

At any time of day I have a friend that I can call up and do something with. I’m thankful that I have so many good friends. Ones that will always be there for me no matter what, no matter how little I see them. I’m thankful that I was recently introduced to so many new friends and that I have a safe place to go on weekends. I think some of them might turn out to be lifelong friends. Not so sure about Cody…I think he might just be a learning experience, but even if he is only that I am thankful for the lesson. 

Most people say that they only have enough good friends to count on one hand, and I am so grateful to have more than that. Bryn, Danielle, Alie, Michelle, Christian, Tyler, Julia, Isabel, and I’m sure there are a few that just aren’t coming to my mind. I can be myself around every single one of those people and I can always count on them. I’m so incredibly lucky to have every single one of them in my life. 

I’m thankful for my family.

We may have issues but when it comes down to it I wouldn’t ever trade them. My Dad and I are so alike and when we get together it’s always hilarious.  I have a huge soft spot for him and he does everything he can to provide for me and my brother and make sure that we are prepared for life and I could never ever thank him enough for that.  

My Mom is always there to take care of me when I need it. Yeah, she drives me crazy but I can still tell her anything and once we get past all of the arguing we really can have a fun time together. 

My little brother, the most important person in my life. We watch out for each other and no matter what I know that I will always have an ally and a best friend in him.  Now that he’s older we can hang out and talk and the times we spend together are some of the best times I can have these days.  

Not to mention my Grandma who I absolutely love and the rest of my extended family.

I’m thankful for my job.

Yeah, I absolutely hate it a lot of the time, but some people would kill just to have a job at all. I love the people I work with and I have a very understanding boss who is actually concerned about my well being and takes me seriously when I tell him that I need every Wednesday night off to go ride my horse. I’m thankful that I can laugh at work and that I have so much trust and even friendship from the people I work with.

I’m thankful for all of my material things.

I have a house that I love living in, a huge amount of clothes, plenty of food, a tv, a computer, a cell phone, ipod, and a new truck, etc. I’m so glad that I have the ability to provide these things for myself, and that before I had that ability they were provided for me. 

I’m thankful for Wish.

When I’m with him I’m so happy. It can make my entire week. Just by nudging me or wrapping his head around me, or following me around without having to hold the lead rope, I just feel so content and filled with love.  I can’t even describe how much I love him but I can just feel it in my chest when I look at him. I’m grateful that I had him when I lost Top Gun and that he continues to be there when I miss my boy. Finally, I’m so grateful that I have the opportunity to ride him and feel the freedom of riding a horse which is made so much greater by the connection we have. 

I’m thankful for God.

And that I have someone to go to about things that I wouldn’t confess to or ask of anyone else. I’m thankful that I have a church to go to where I can worship freely.

I’m thankful for my freedom.

And all of the troops who have fought for and continue to fight for everything that I take for granted in my every day life. 

I am grateful that I am alive and happy.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and I hope that you are feeling as much love as I am right now. 

What happened to all the anvils?
The ones that faced lashing flames under sparking hammers
or even the ones dropped early in the morning, on animated tv?
So heavy and sharp,
Imagine if one fell, how much it could crush and cause to bleed.
Maybe it’s good they’re all gone, those anvils
After all, look at the damage they could do.
Crushing souls and scratching hearts.
But wait.
I think there’s one last anvil, 
locked inside my chest, pushing down on me.
Cause I can’t. Breathe. 
 

…and yes, that is the actual title.
I knew it wasn’t going to be good before I even started writing it, but I had to get it out somehow. 

Deep lines run through his open palms like long country roads to nowhere.
Blue grey eyes peer through hooded lids and spider web wrinkles,
searching.
An abandoned graveyard with nameless stones. 
Noiseless tears drop,
weaving their way through his dappled skin like an impenetrable maze.
Silence cries out,
whispering through pine needles and rotted wood fence posts.
Buried deep in the ground.
Barely lifting the brim of his hat,
white, wispy hair snakes out,
falling across his forehead.
A soft breeze wafts by, bringing the sweet smell of nearby farms.
Gravel crunches beneath his boots, revealing the beginning of slow, dissatisfied steps.
His weathered body sways with the wind as he wanders away.
Haunted.

Sooo. I don’t think it’s very good but I was sitting at my table and the first line came to me. I wrote it down on a napkin so I didn’t forget and the rest just kind of flowed out after. It’s inspired by the little town where my Uncle used to own a ranch. 

I want to try black out poetry. And I had this idea to go through the dictionary and write a poem using one word that I find for every letter of the alphabet. 

Maybe I’ll saw through all of my ties,
break away from the anchors that are pulling me down.
You’ll be left floundering in the ocean,
And I’ll find an island,
where the first person I save,

Is me.

I know it’s not the best, I’m tired and I’m not thinking clearly but I needed to get my feelings out somehow and poetry never fails to help. It was a lot longer originally but I decided that the first ten or so lines were unnecessary. And no, I would never leave my friends to drown in their troubles. I’d rather drown in my own first. It’s just nice to think about letting it all go sometimes. 

count on one hand the number of friends who said they would be there and actually are, I need about five more hands to count the ones who said they would be there and never are.

Words leap from your lips, 
they are.
misguided claws scratching at my flesh, 
vigorously ripping through it
singeing it with unwarranted accusations and vicious judgments.

Their gnarled fingers begin to dress me.
A slimy shirt slides over my head, hitting my shoulders.
Sewn together with lies and loneliness, dripping 
with bitter and stinging my wounds.

Pants woven with poor character slide up my legs
and button with tarnished silver, forged in fires of disloyalty.
The fibers, intertwined with anger, tighten until my
blood. stops. circulating.

Rough palms grasp my sides, scraping
my ribs burn and crack at their touch.
Slowly they push, and I look down
shattered glass on the floor reflects.
You.
Wearing a shirt of loneliness and lies, dripping with bitter.
Pants of poor character and disloyalty, tightened with anger.
and Me.
Drowning in your words.

I can’t do this with any of you, anymore. If you want to be in my life, figure out what is going on in it before you make judgments, and be in it. If you don’t, I’m not going to make you stay. 

So…I don’t understand the whole gas strike thing. Gas prices are up because of what’s going on in Libya. Unless a one day strike can stop that it’s not going to do much good. Plus, you’re only hurting gas stations, especially the small businesses by not buying gas for a day. Oil companies will make their money regardless of whether the gas stations do or not. And demand will only increase in the following days, so what’s the point? I just feel like people should look into things before they agree to them… 

On a side note. I learned how to work the grill today and it was actually kinda fun! It was like Diner Dash or one of those super sweet restaurant games. So far I don’t understand what is so bad about the fast food industry. 

I’m nineteen as of 8:30 am this morning. (:
I spent my last night being eighteen riding my horse and hanging out with my friend Isabel who I’ve grown really close to lately.  I love Wish, so much. I’m starting to feel connected to him like I did to Top Gun. I don’t think it will ever be the same thing but I really do love him.  When I saw Top Gun I used to feel so happy and literally feel like something was pulling my heart towards him. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that with another horse, but it’s pretty great that I’m starting to really, fully love another horse again.

And I actually feel different and older this year. Normally I don’t feel any different, even turning 18 wasn’t that exciting.  I feel like an actual adult today. Maybe it’s because I have a job, or maybe it’s because I’ve completed my first year of legal adulthood. Who knows. Anyway, this year I plan to make myself proud and to figure out what I want. Even if it’s in the smallest situations. My new year didn’t start on January 1st, it starts today, and it’s going to be different. I’m promising myself that right now.

So far it has been one of the best birthdays ever. I got two midnight texts, and two midnight phone calls (one was kind of a joke, but still, it counts. :P) and I’ve never even had one of those for any of my past birthdays. They made me happy, and they made me feel loved. Here’s another you know who your true friends are moment: Real, close friends stay up or remember to text/call you at midnight on your birthday just to tell you that they love you and they hope that you have a good day. Interesting how I keep figuring these things out. But that’s a different story.

The point is, today is absolutely wonderful. 

  I think that any time you travel, or do anything that involves encountering a large amount of people you can learn a lot. Recently, I voyaged by aircraft to SLC. Due to the fact that I observed so much while traveling and that my blog is seriously lacking in the writing department, I am going to write out my newfound words of wisdom for all of you. You should feel lucky, normally I charge hundreds of dollars for seminars that people attend just to hear my thoughts. Okay not really, but here it goes.

Life would be so much easier if people did their best to relax, have a good attitude, and be kind. 

  I personally think that airports are one of the places that bring out the worst in people.  I don’t really understand it though…you will likely get through security just as quickly (maybe even more quickly) if you smile at the TSA employees and don’t complain about the long line that nearly goes out the door. Similarly, you will likely get to your gate at about the same time if you say “excuse me” or wait until there is room to pass instead of pushing past people without apologizing. I’m not sure why people are in such a hurry and as a result are so rude. Your boarding time isn’t magically going to change and you already have an assigned seat, so there’s no reason to go charging through the crowds like an NFL linebacker just to get to the front of the line.

  Secondly, if there is a mistake made it probably isn’t the best idea to freak out and lash out at everyone around you. I can’t quite fathom why people don’t understand this. By the time you find out that you aren’t seated by your family member like the airline promised there really isn’t much that you can do, and the people delivering the bad news probably don’t have anything to do with the mistake. If you are kind someone might offer to switch seats with you, but if you’re a total jerk no one is going to want to sit by you. 

  And finally, if there is a 5’11” eighteen year old girl sitting in your seat because the rows are poorly labeled you should not accuse her of ‘stealing’ it. Just inform her that row C is actually the aisle seat, my guess is she will apologize and move without any argument. Also, when she does apologize don’t shoot her a dirty look before you push past her to get to your beloved window seat. What does that accomplish? Just sit your butt down and be thankful for the fact that in approximately 45 minutes she will offer to hand your empty cup to the flight attendant because you cannot reach the aisle. You know, because you just had to have the window seat. 

  Keep a positive attitude and by then end, not only will you be in the same place as everyone else (or maybe even a little ahead) you’ll be happier. That’s true for the rest of life too, you can make it through so many things with just a positive attitude.

Oh, and a note to flight attendants if you seem kind, fun and welcoming your passengers will automatically feel safer and more at ease. Just sayin’.

Watch Mythbusters, it will save you a lot of trouble.

  Most of you probably don’t know this, but there is an episode of Mythbusters in which they prove that cell phones don’t actually have any effect on the little gadget-y things inside of airplanes. Because of this I avoided having to tackle the man next to me to the ground in order to steal his cellular device when instead of turning it off he simply silenced it and put it in his jacket pocket. 
 

No one reads the safety brochures.

  Okay, I get that a lot of people travel a lot and have heard the little safety lecture a bazillion times. But really, there’s no way the entire plane has it memorized.  Basically, you’re just tempting fate by not reading that beautifully illustrated brochure. All I know is, if the plane crash lands on a desert island I am going to know how to properly: 1) attach my oxygen mask 2) unbuckle my seatbelt 3) use my seat cushion as a flotation device and 4) slide down the little yellow inflatable slide to sweet, sandy safety. And because the people sitting by the emergency exits clearly weren’t listening when they were not-so-carefully informed on how to open them, I suppose I will also know how to 5) properly open the exit doors and free the people stuck aboard frontier flight number 527. 

  And can I just say that the flight attendants don’t really help much either, standing in one stationary location to point to several things of varying distances from said flight attendant does not really help passengers find said things.

Hot and sour soup.

Is delicious. Helps colds. And is Chinese.

Once you’re over eighteen you’re expected to have a boyfriend.

  And EVERYONE is going to ask you about it, most likely in front of your Father. Giving you two options for a response, “Boys, what are boys?” or “Yes, Grandma I’ll choose one from the huge swarm of boys that follows me around begging for my attention…” 

Even though it seems excessive you should arrive at the airport two hours before your flight.

  Especially if your boarding time is at 6 am monday morning since apparently that is the most popular time to travel. Definitely don’t bet on people being lazy and taking later flights. You will arrive and the security line will weave all of the way through baggage claim and almost out the door. 

  Also, if you have a cab drive you to the airport inform them that it is very important to be on time. But be prepared for the 85 mph turns he will take on a slick highway in order to carry out your request. Oh, and if your Polish cab driver Joseph is trying to afford a $5,000 dollar trip for two back to Krakov in order to attend a family wedding, give him a good tip. (: